Dating with herpes
The fear most people carry after a diagnosis is not about outbreaks. It is that this is the end of being wanted. It is not, and the evidence for that is fairly overwhelming once you go looking — but nobody tells you at the clinic, so here it is.
You are not disclosing something rare.
Herpes simplex is extremely common. Whatever the precise figure for the UK, the honest summary is that a very large number of adults carry one type or the other, and most of them have never been tested and do not know.
Which means the conversation you are dreading is frequently happening between two people who have it, one of whom is aware. That is not a comforting fiction; it is arithmetic. The people who know are simply the ones who had symptoms, or who happened to be tested.
Being diagnosed does not make you the exception in the room. It makes you the informed person in the room.
When to tell someone.
There is no rule, and anyone who gives you one is guessing. There are three common approaches, and each suits different people.
Early
Some people say it almost immediately, sometimes before a first date. It filters hard and fast, and it means no investment is built on something unsaid. The cost is that it can carry more weight than it deserves before anyone knows you.
Before anything physical
The most common approach, and the one most people land on. Enough time has passed that they know you as a person; it is said before it could matter practically. Not a dramatic sit-down — a normal conversation, somewhere private.
When you are ready
Some people wait longer, and that is theirs to decide. The only firm principle worth holding is that it should happen before sex, because the other person gets to make an informed choice too.
Better than you expect, more often than not.
People who have done this many times tend to report the same three things.
Your tone sets theirs. If you deliver it as a confession, it is received as one. If you deliver it as information — this is a thing about me, here is what it means, here is what I do about it — most people take it at that level. Not because you are managing them, but because most people genuinely do not know how serious this is meant to be and will take their reading from you.
The most common response is a question, not a rejection. Usually a practical one: what does that mean for me? Being able to answer calmly — transmission risk, what suppression does, what you both can do — turns the moment from a verdict into a conversation. It is worth reading suppression and transmission beforehand so the numbers are yours, not something you look up mid-sentence.
Rejection happens, and it is survivable. Some people will say no. Almost always that is about what they have absorbed, not about you — and it is better to find out early that someone makes decisions that way. It stings anyway. Both of those things are true at once.
Questions that come up.
Should I use a herpes-specific dating app?
They exist, and some people find real relief in a space where the conversation is already had. Others find that it makes the diagnosis the defining feature of their dating life, which is the opposite of what they want. Neither is the correct answer — it depends on whether you want a break from disclosing or a break from thinking about it.
Should I put it on my profile?
Some people do, and find it saves time. Most do not. Dating profiles are public in ways that are hard to control, and there is no obligation to disclose a medical condition to strangers who have not met you.
What if they tell other people?
It happens, and it is one of the genuinely difficult parts. You cannot prevent it entirely. What you can do is choose the moment — private, unhurried, with someone you have had enough time to form a view about.
Where do I find other people who get it?
In the UK, the Herpes Viruses Association is a long-standing charity offering information and a helpline. There are also large, active online communities where people discuss dating and disclosure candidly. Reading other people's accounts is, for a lot of people, the thing that shifts this fastest.
People with herpes date, marry, and have children, in very large numbers.
They are simply not visible, because there is no reason for any of them to announce it. The silence is not evidence of how rare this is — it is evidence of how private people are entitled to be.
This page is educational and is not medical advice. This page is written by non-clinicians from the sources listed at the foot of the page, and has not been independently reviewed by a clinician. For clinical questions, contact a sexual health clinic or NHS 111.
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- World Health Organization. Herpes simplex virus (fact sheet), 2020 estimates. www.who.int
- Patel R et al. British Association of Sexual Health and HIV UK national guideline for the management of anogenital herpes, 2024. Int J STD AIDS. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
- Corey L et al. Once-daily valaciclovir to reduce the risk of transmission of genital herpes. N Engl J Med 2004;350:11–20. www.nejm.org
Last checked 10 August 2026. Read our editorial policy for how we source and review these pages.